PARENTING AND COVID-19
When the Edges begin to Fray
A week into level 4 lockdown and how is it going? Many parents are telling me they are loving this precious time with their kids, enjoying the challenge of making it work and posting hilarious ‘takes’ on the predicament, to lift everyone’s spirits. The feeling of ‘we are in this together’ is an extraordinary gift in contrast to the usual rat race of ‘life in the fast lane’ with its fall-out of alienation.
However, for many parents, the edges are already beginning to fray. Challenges that pre-existed in the family only increase under pressure, and tensions are mounting.
These difficulties arise from:
-the sensory-motor capacities of each individual: the ‘wiring’
-the temperaments within the family: how each one acts and reacts
-the history of the family: the wounds of the past, the threats of the present, and the parent-to-parent dynamic or solo parent load
Without the release valves of time apart the situation feels like a pressure cooker with the heat turned up.
So let’s start by going back to ‘Civil Defence mode’ that I mentioned in the article ‘At Home with the Kids’. Over the years in this work of mentoring parents I have come to believe that there is only one thing that can truly hurt us and that is OUR EXPECTATIONS. When Mandela was in prison he survived by changing his expectations.
It is not just the expectation bar for your CHILDREN that you need to set LOW. You need to set your OWN PARENT BAR low. Watch your expectations of YOURSELVES! If you set the bar too high, you set yourself up for fear and failure. Yes I know, the ideal is a calm, patient parent, but when things start to unravel, all parents have the potential to go into their fight/flight brain to try to manage the behaviour. Unfortunately, even with the best will in the world, it doesn’t necessarily go well. Then when it blows out you feel angry and hopeless. You beat yourself up and load your poor old beleaguered guard dog with misery and guilt.
Dear parents, you are only human! You are not given any training for this role and can so quickly find yourselves out of your depth. Let me send you a universal big hug!
When you beat yourself up you attack yourself, which only activates your guard dog brain further. You can barely cope with the kids when you are in this mode. You will only react. Your doggy brain is ‘over it’ and it’s inner dialogue can be shocking…especially when you are sleep-deprived! It just wants the short-cut to safety.
I have a special phrase for this moment when I see tears of sorrow and regret welling up in my clients’ eyes: ‘COMPOST BIN!’ Throw the blow-out into the compost. Let it rot! It makes great gardening for later on! Don’t look back, don’t beat yourself up, forget about it. Just look after yourself right now…and tomorrow, wake up and start again.
Parenting is like learning to ride a bike. You will fall off, especially when there is a multiplicity of challenging factors. All you can do is get back on the bike and try again. THROW IT IN THE COMPOST! Your True Self never wanted it to be like this. You really are a beautiful parent, doing your very best under ridiculous levels of stress. Time to give yourself some love, give yourself a break, give yourself a treat (steady on the wine there! :)…maybe a chocolate?). And keep that compost bin handy at all times!
Hang in there! Look after yourselves. Every day is a new beginning in parenting.
More to come…
Mary Willow, April 2020