I began writing this on March 22nd and this was the opening:
As we free-fall towards the closure of schools and workplaces parents are going to find themselves suddenly confined to home with the kids, with no certain end, no security, and no escape! :) Yikes!
Then came March 23rd. Thump! We landed on Level 3. 48 hours till Level 4. And it ‘ain’t Kansas any more’. Here we are in a very rare zone with something we have never experienced before: worldwide shut down.
STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU!
Parents stuck at home with the kids will likely lurch from just letting the kids hang out and run wild (or kill time on the i-pads) to trying to turn home into school. I would suggest neither! More somewhere in the MIDDLE where you create a mix that has both ‘breathing in’ activities (focus and effort) and ‘breathing out’ activities (fun and free play).
THE RHYTHM OF LIFE
Most of all, the children are going to need a RHYTHM. A daily rhythm settles the body down so that the heart and mind can be freed up to engage in loving, interacting and learning. A balanced rhythm takes way the uncertainty, gives everyone a map to guide the day and most of all protects downtime, which is when the brain is given a chance to digest and process experience. Downtime not just for them…but for YOU!!
If you are feeling anxious and rather blindsided yourself by this sudden dramatic shift in life, it might be good to initially just have the rest of the week as a TOTAL CHILL OUT…just to depressurise everything a bit, so everyone gets over the initial shock wave. This will give you time to think, plan and prepare…and find your props! Then perhaps a family meeting on the weekend (if they are old enough) to orientate the crew to the new territory.
Can I suggest that you initiate a weekly PARENTING MEETING to review the past week and plan for the next, and a weekly FAMILY MEETING for children 8-9 and up. Treat it like running a camp. I have been amazed and thrilled over the years at the results my clients get when they do this. One step ahead!
If we can look upon this period as an adventure rather than a jail term we can bridge the children through it and set them up for expanded minds and hearts on the other side, rather than residual anxiety and scars. Your family ship is in new waters. Let the adventure begin!
THE QUESTION ‘WHY’ from the younger ones (see my previous article)
When the younger children now ask you ‘why are we staying at home?’ try to give them a picture that is on their level. Relate it to what they already know. This is not the age for stats or the big picture! Try to convey the feeling of human co-operation and rallying rather than fearful retreat. If they already understand ‘catching a cold’ and have heard some of the talk about a bug, then frame it like ‘we (the big people) have decided that it is best that we all stay home and have a big holiday’ till everyone is better. After that when the question comes back, your answer is ‘not yet…’. Be the adult in charge: that’s all they need to know to feel secure. You’ve got this! Keep moving them on into the practical here and now. ‘Now what are we doing today?’ Remember they are deep in the phase of imagination, and complex info containing a mood of fear will only brew anxious imaginings particularly in children whose temperaments already tend to do this.
When you get the inevitable ‘but I don’t want to stay home any more’ make sure you say that you really understand that, yes it is hard, everyone feels that right now…but it’s not time yet…we are all doing our best: come on, let’s make today good.
When whining and complaints set in remember that all reactive behaviour comes in waves. Patiently outlast the waves and they will pass. Engaging and fighting the waves will only grow them. (see section below on managing behaviour).
SHAPE THE RHYTHM
When it comes to creating a rhythm it helps to start by ‘identifying the rocks in the landscape’ (the things you cannot change, - like the fact that we need to stay at home!) then ‘building the garden around them’ i.e. adapting what resources and talents you have within your home and family. It can be overwhelming to clarify the needs. Here are some possibilities to consider:
FOR THE CHILDREN’S BODIES:
food: as well as cooking and baking
helping: pitching in with daily tasks and bigger projects such as cleaning out a room or garage, gardening
imaginative free play: using stuff from around the house redeployed!
fresh air and exercise: in the garden, family walks, bike rides? making up new physical games and challenges (great ideas popping up online)
relaxation and rest: stories, music, like lying down to look up at the sky or just good old lolling around on the couch and floor (for set periods)
FOR THEIR HEARTS
fun and games: especially ‘let’s pretend’, picnics outdoor and indoor!
fort or house building: outdoor and indoor
pockets of time for offload
warm, positive family time
alone time:…safeguarding each child to have space when they need it
social contact: in the family, over the fence, over the phone or online
meetings: to check-in and co-create
FOR THEIR MINDS
school work and homework
board games and card games
putting on plays, charades, making up new games, inventing
(yes your house may look like a gallery or museum after this!)
books and reading…and especially being read to
creative projects, drawing, painting, crafting, diaries, making music
SET UP THE LANDSCAPE
Take a look at the layout of the house and garden and work with what you’ve got. You may need to designate and redefine areas and times for different activities such as free play space, creative space, and down-time space. What can be turned into useful props?
If all those suggestions make you want to go back to bed (!) here’s how to boil it down to something simple:
CLARIFY THE POCKETS OF THE DAY
THE 3 ZONES
1. Morning
more focused and challenging activities (when the energy is fresh):
a) from breakfast to morning tea
b) from morning tea to lunch
2. Afternoon
more cruisy and enjoyable activities (breathing out) including some mandated down time:
a) from lunch to afternoon tea
b) from afternoon tea to dinner
3. Evening
more mellow wind-down activities:
from dinner to bedtime
THE 6 TRANSITIONS
-wake-up to breakfast
-morning tea (snack)
-lunch time
-afternoon tea (snack)
-dinner time
-bed time
Children do not easily manage transitions because they don’t see the point! They don’t have the ‘big picture’ where they link that making an effort to focus now makes the period ahead go better. It is helpful to know that these transition times are just as important for ‘learning to meet the world’ as all the other activities in between. So don’t rush them and make sure you are fully present and focused, calm and patient, and leading the way. When we are distracted with trying to multi-task at these times things go pear-shaped very quickly. We need to model what we want the children to do. Prepare food with them. Eat with them. Brush teeth with them. Stay in the zone when they are getting dressed to support their focus. These are the times when they are learning to be a healthy human. Keep it step-by-step, prune what you don’t need to happen at these times and turn off all adult devices!
SCREENS
I would ALWAYS advise, even in this extreme situation, that the less screens, the better. NONE IS GREAT! and totally achievable if you make that choice…children and parents did survive childhood before screens were invented.
Screens switch off the children’s sensory-motor systems and activate the dopamine pathway in the brain of instant gratification from hits of entertainment and pursuits. This is the addiction pathway in the brain and families who are just going to let the kids zone out on screens for this period are going to have some seriously grumpy addicts on their hands at the end of it, compared to healthy kids who have been fully engaged with head, heart and hands (body) in real time, space and human interaction.
However…if you are not willing to exert a total ban then I would at least suggest the following:
-As close as possible to NO screens for little ones. All they need is Play Play Play!
-NO screens in the 6 transition periods.
-Preferably no screens in the mornings when the energy for ‘whole person’ activities is fresh. Obviously if children are doing school work online in the mornings that needs to happen. Make sure you follow these online times with fresh air, exercise and free play to restore full integration of head, heart and sensory-motor (body).
-Set and limited periods of screen time in the afternoon (or preferably on the weekend only) strongly enforced and followed by fully integrated head-heart-hands (body) and social activities.
-Evenings: children up to 10-11 years old preferably NO screens after dinner. Or perhaps a special movie night once a week for the older ones. Friday night could be board games night. Saturday night could be movie night. 11 years old upwards a set, limited period of screen time after dinner with a full hour at least of NO screens before bed. Best of all always is an evening family walk or board games and stories.
And as for content? in brief for now just one word: as ‘wholesome’ as you can get it! Most of what is now on our screens is adults behaving badly or what amounts to a junk food diet for the mind and heart. Who do you want to raise your kids? Be the boss of the content!
THE CAPTAIN = YOU!
Be the boss of how this is going to go right from the start, otherwise the sailors will be brawling in no time! The benevolent Captain…not the tyrant or the drunk (metaphorically!).
YOUR needs need to be met first: ‘your oxygen mask first’. I know this sounds crazy to some, but if you try to get up well before the children in the morning and take some delicious time to yourself for whatever makes you feel good and ready for them, things will go better. Without that you may soon feel overwhelmed at not getting any space. Many parents have told me that when they did this (even when they hated it at first) they had great outcomes for themselves and the children. You will also need to create at least one pocket in the day that is a designated as down-time for everyone where you can get a real breather.
THE CAPTAIN’S RULES:
Don’t worry…there are only ever 3 of them:
STOP and NO and GO
Here’s a tip:
Brainstorm with the kids a magic word (e.g. banana or porcupine or red light…anything a bit funny or silly or pictorial). This becomes your PARENT SIGNAL which accompanies Stop or No or Go. Once you have said the Magic Word (and you can tell them that this will be the new response) then simply cease eye contact (or you will be looking straight into the eyes of the Guard Dog…bad idea), pause all engagement, and close your mouth! :). Simple as that. Not another word! STAY CALM and STAY WARM! OUTLAST the hissy fits. Distract your self with a mundane task or lock yourself in the bathroom for a count to 10 and a rest if you need :). They will yell at you at first and tell you that you are horrible, but the protests soon go away when they get zero response and realise afterwards that they are still alive and loved!.
The experiential brain of the child is much like the animal brain. It quickly picks up when the gate is open and when it is shut. When something is not up for discussion simply stop discussing it. They will very quickly recognise that when they let it go you ‘open the gate’ again and re-engage. A boundary is just a wall, not a gun! No anger required.
Some children are so stuck in habitual resistance, avoidance or attack that simple outlasting is not enough. These children may need the extra help of a reward for responding to the signal.
When your children can fully accept Stop and No and Go at any time you need to call it, then all the rest is freedom, fun and adventure. A beautifully trained dog run who will come at call can be allowed to run free because you can call it back at any time. I call this the paddock (field/meadow) of freedom surrounded by the parent fence of security.
CIVIL DEFENCE MODE
When our civil defence team are prepared for a disaster they have skills that we need as parents. What do they do?
-They know their territory (the volcano, the fault lines, the fire hazards)
-They set the bar LOW not high! (ready for the worst scenario not the least)
-They stay cool, calm and collected no matter what
It is the same for parenting:
1. You know how each child is going to react, so be ready for it and prepared with a plan of response, rather than be taken off guard and instantly reacting to them.
2. ‘Set the bar low’ means remembering that they are still kids, still learning and now under pressure…so of course they are going to react! If you wake up in the morning saying ‘please god may they not be like they were yesterday’ then you have set yourself and them up for failure. Of course they may be like they were yesterday and by 7am!!
3. So be ready and meet the behaviour unfazed, as if you have a civil defence clipboard and you are ticking off one by one each way the mountain has blown, each crack the earthquake has created, saying to yourself ‘ah yes, I thought that might happen, and yes I am ready for it’.
There is already a flood of wonderful human response on the radio, TV and online. Just listen to the mayor of New York’s latest speech as one example. I am convinced that this is a great watershed moment in our evolution: a chance to wake up to what is real, to snap out of the numbing patterns we have been trapped in, an opportunity not to be missed to reset to a new awareness of our fragility...and the planet’s, and our fathomless gifts...and the planet’s, and most of all our connectedness...with EVERYONE on the planet.
Sending warmest thoughts and hopes to all you gorgeous parents for a month of benevolent, loving, patient, empowered parenting!
Mary Willow, March 24, 2020